October-November-December!

all those who know me well, know just HOW MUCH since childhood i love this quarter of the year. and no, it is not just for all the festivals, the onset of winter, gifts, birthdays of my favourite people or the new year. it is all that and so much more. i completely transform into this state of being chirpier and happier. this quarter has always held for me in life, the promise of something/someone better. though last year was an exception, except for the beginning of my photography affair!

am madly, deeply in love again after a very long time; with myself, my lovely home, my plants, cooking, some extremely wonderful friends and family who have stood by me through thick and thin, my crazy pursuits, my work, my dreams. life itself! i feel like i am the lead actor of the story/film on my life, thoroughly enjoying the performance and looking forward to the script/drama/music every single day i wake up. and i do not care as of this very moment exactly 'who' the audience is as long as i am having a gala time!

and yes, the 'bucket-list' is getting quite exciting and longer day by day. two words which define my contentment with the world in general and myself in particular today: space and pace. if these 2 things are in place, nothing could go wrong with any quarter of the year, right? ;-)

oh november! where art thou?

anticipating much,
k

choices

life is full of choices galore. happy. sad. good. bad. crazy. fun. serious. dumb.

even when we are supposedly in our darkest of moments, it is only because we tend to forget we really have a choice!

i have only a faint idea about what all changed in last 15 days. i am feeling so much more lighter n happier in my head n heart after speaking to 2 of my dearest friends. am glad i have them back in my life. one friend, i took an effort to reach out to and another friend, reached out to me now that his memories are coming back slowly :) :)

as if all the worries and tensions of last 2 months suddenly got wiped away on hearing his voice, 'kalluuuu', taunts, laughter, musings, ramblings on phone for all of 45 minutes. 'happiness' is an understatement. i still don't know if he's going to be fully alright. i will continue to have faith in his doctors, medicines and the divine power above us :)

life becomes so much more easier and smooth when you choose to accept the reality and get on with life. at least now i know that i can reach out to him. that thought certainly reassures and how.

and yes, a lot of things are turning out in my favour without even wishing or praying for them once. never really sat and visualized about this life till i actually started living it. and it has sure been one crazy roller-coaster ride so far. touchwood. i sure don't want to get off it for a long long time to come. my one choice 6 months back has led to a plethora of choices for me.

thank god for everything, everyone. and thank god for all that i do not have and all those i could not have in my life too. all the 'NO's led me towards where i stand, and breathe free and independent today.

aah. i choose to remain blessed for now! ;)

काही तरी जुळून येतय...

सकाळ पासून हुरहूर आहे मनात
कि काही तरी जुळून येतय
चित्र अद्याप इतकं स्पष्ट नाहीये
पण काही तरी जुळून येतय

:o)

probably

5.45 am and i am still wide awake. all set to welcome the first morning of this busy week probably.

the 'bad' that i was dreading to happen, happened last month to my best friend. the only person who once dared to compete with me in 'talking' much, who admitted he just can't match my skills and always declared me a winner in the talking category will probably never talk to me ever!

he has had his revenge i guess. he never thought he could manage to stop me from talking. he never thought i would be short for words ever. he never thought i could do anything but be his ever smiling, happy, encouraging, loving, talkative, sunshine girl.

today am speechless. not because of him but because of what has happened to him, his life. i am in no mood to fight with god for god knows best. he favours some. my friend and i are..were of the firm opinion that god has always been partial to special kids like us since childhood. we are who we are today because of those favours probably. time n again god tests our patience, love n faith, willingness to forgive n forget, desire to live, dream, do good. we have become only better at facing these tests and passing out with flying colours!

but my hold onto faith is not as tight as it used to be, the selfish friend in me realizes today. i have lost my best friend to something even worse than death, over and above a dozen others i have lost in last 2 years. the only person who gave me so much space in our friendship, has entered some unknown space himself where he does not remember the existence of anybody in his life of past 15 years.

i have only some heart-warming, crazy memories of time spent with him and all my insecurities to live by now.

बिछडे सभी बारी बारी...

am too scared these days to make new friends or to trust or to get attached or to get close to. they leave or they change or they pretend to change or they take away my close friends from me or they do things they think will be best for me without realizing that sometimes things can backfire for worse!..or sometimes god takes them away from me!

am too scared these days of losing the only close friend i have today besides my precious sister.

but i do not want to end this post on a sad note. last night i finally managed to see a wonderful movie i have been wanting to for some time. it features a song very close to my heart. it talks about 'hope'.

कहानी ख़त्म है, या शुरुवात होने को है

सुबह नयी है यह, या फिर रात होने को है

आने वाला वक़्त देगा पनाहें,

या फिर से मिलेंगे दो राहें,

खबर क्या, क्या पता...

...

lost another battle this morning..

but like someone said, "you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it".

बस क्या god!

dear god,

am disturbed. very!

good things always happen to good people i have been told time and again. bad things happen more often than not the way i see it right now!

the 'good' person here is someone who means the world to me and something 'bad' is happening or on the verge of happening. maybe. we will know for sure in a month's time. maybe.

i do not panic when it comes to big issues or decisions in life and since he appeared so calm, cool and mature while conveying the piece of news sometime back, it was easier to listen to if not react or grasp. no the shock hasn't sunk in yet so here i am disturbed if not panic or worry-stricken. and all i can do for now is laugh about it alongwith him like we crack up about million other things in our lives and around us. the gang at his behest managed to pull a fast one on me even from that much-dreaded place. that is the kind of person he is. blessed with an incomparable wit and a creative presence of mind. someone i've grown to love so much over the last couple of years since the time i've known him. he never ceases to amaze me come what may! am yet to meet someone as crazy as him. i know my bestest friend will face this situation as bravely as he is and nothing is going to break or pull him down. am glad i can be there for him when he'd need me the most alongwith others.

my first reaction after i heard the 'bad' news was as always 'why him'! that's how we all react for people we love isn't it. this question never crops up when the news is 'good' though. we're like that only. us humans. the very next moment the question changed to as always 'who him'! yes god, for you he's just like million others you need to take care of am aware and that you will very well i believe. but the answer to 'who him' is very important for me right now. he's someone am in awe of and have looked up to with much respect, trust, admiration and love from day one. i know you wouldn't give him anything he cannot handle or does not deserve. so right now i do not want him or any of us to worry and i'd rather just pray that things work out for him eventually cos he's someone who has always done only good in life be it for his family, friends, community, city, society, ..

please please please take care of him god is my humble request to you today. and i only hope he comes out much stronger and happier out of this 'situation' in life! :-)

faith is all i have to offer. in him and you.

बेधुंद

गेले कित्येक दिवस थोडेफार तरी लिहावे असे स्वतःला सांगतेय..म्हणून आज मुद्दाम वेळ काढला आणि ते सुद्धा मातृभाषेत लिहिण्या करीता (ह्या करीता सुशीलाचे आभार मानेन मी :-). जास्त काही नाही निव्वळ १० मिनिटे झोपण्या पूर्वीची.

तर लिहिण्यास कारण हे कि आज तारीख '१ जुलै, २०१०' (नाही ह्या तारखेची काही खास आठवण अशी नाहीये माझ्या मनात किंवा कल्पनेत). सहा महीने कुठच्या कुठे पळून/उडून गेले कळले सुद्धा नाही. एका अर्थी बरेच झाले म्हणा. ह्याचा अर्थ हा की मी माझे आयुष्य जगण्यात बर्यापैकी तल्लीन झाले होते. २९ डिसेंबर, २००९ रोजी मी माझ्या आयुष्यात जे काही बदल करण्याचे ठरवले होते ते सगळे करण्यात अक्षरशः गुंतून गेले होते.

सगळ्याच गोष्टी मनासारख्या झाल्याच असे नाही म्हणणार पण कोणतीही गोष्ट वाईट, नकारात्मक, मनाला दुख देणारी, हळव करणारी किंवा पश्चाताप करायला लावणारी झाली नाही अर्थात मी होऊ दिली नाही. मैत्री, नोकरी, स्वप्ने, नाती-गोती, परिवार, सामाजिक जबाबदार्या, प्रेम ह्या सगळ्याच बाबतीत चढ-उतार हे नेहमीच येणार आहेत. ह्या सगळ्यांपासून पळून जाणे अशक्य आहे. आज राहून राहून फक्त एकच गोष्ट सतत जाणवतेय कि मी ह्या सगळ्या परिस्तिथीना सामोरे जाण्यासाठी आज समर्थ आहे. मी स्वतःला कधीही दुर्बळ समजले नाही. २००८-२००९ ह्या कालावधीत मी स्वतःबद्दल आणि माझ्या अवतीभवतीच्या लोकांबद्दल भरपूर काही शिकले. हे शिक्षण मला जन्मभर पुरणारे असे आहे. ह्या सगळ्या करीता मी माझ्या आई-वडिलांची आणि लहान बहिणीची सदैव ऋणी राहेन :-)

२ महिन्यांपूर्वी मी जो निर्णय घेतला तो किती चूक किंवा अचूक हे मला माहित नाही. मला फक्त एवढं माहित आहे कि आज मी आनंदी/समाधानी आहे. खर्या अर्थाने स्वातंत्र्य उपभोगत आहे. हा निर्णय निव्वळ एक अट्टाहास नसून कुणाच्याहि दबावाला न घाबरता जगण्यासाठी एकुलता एक पर्याय समजून जगतेय. माझी स्वप्ने मी पूर्ण करू शकेन ह्या विश्वासात जगतेय. आयुष्यात ध्येय, आवाहने लाभली तर जगण्याला वेगळीच नशा आणि धुंदी अनुभवयाला मिळते.

आज मी नशेत आहे आणि जराशी बेधुंद ही :-) :-)

- शुभ रात्री,

कल्याणी

...

long live mesmerizing music!

loved it loved it loved it, now that i've finally watched it! :D

came out feeling that i didn't have enough of it..that wish it could go on for some more time..that a lot more people could come n watch this instead of just the handful of us (read: 5) in the theater..that people don't know what they are missing in life..that wish indian ocean keeps coming up with their brilliant music for fans like us for years to come :-)

\m/ long live good music! \m/

ecstacy n agony

exactly a year since i said yes to a proposition which led to 4 months of ecstacy n 8 months of agony..no regrets whatsoever except for that lingering feeling that i shouldn't have got carried away in those last few days..shouldn't have believed all words which were uttered, better still shouldn't have heard them in 1st place..sometimes people you look upto don't really mean what they say, i realised it the hard way..should have stuck to my original plan after saying yes to the proposition and got on with my life..but those words took me to some other world..instead of coming back to reality, for too long i stayed, and somehow i failed..in the process my life almost got derailed..aaarrrggghh!

today i wish to have only fond memories of those 4 months instead of torturing myself time n again over those 8 months..terribly cliched but here it goes ::

“i

hold it true, whatever befall; i feel it, when i sorrow most; 'tis better to have loved and lost t

han never to have loved at all.

”

- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

LOLLY!

LOLLY - that's my new nick name for the past couple of weeks..cos i 'LOL' a lot more than required..i actually do 'laugh out loud' excessively non-stop in 'real' life..so much so that i wonder at times if i'd die of a heart attack due to too much of laughter..have you ever heard of someone dying this way? what a fun way (to die)! i'd prefer that any day!..n i really do wish that other people around me would laugh more often too..there is so much joy, fun or absolute nonsensical stuff happening around us all the time!

"the most wasted day in life, the day in which we have not laughed" - charlie chaplin

..that i would be loved..

haven't visited this space for a while..here are a few lines from alanis morissette which reflect my state of mind ::

that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you!!

class product from the 'factory'!!

it's so difficult to be simple sometimes... but this movie does that with utmost simplicity!

there wasn’t a single person in the theatre who wasn’t having a hearty laugh during the show..after wonderful movies like shwaas, tingya, sukhant, natrang, jhenda, etc. this is one recent marathi film which really tickled my funny bones..a very charming n delightful account of the making of 1^st motion picture Raja Harishchandra by the awe-inspiring Dadasaheb Phalke who founded the great Indian cinema during the British rule..every Indian who loves cinema owes it to this man for bringing this wonderful magic to our soil..it’s compact (90 mins. only), with no frills / stars, witty, light (reminded me much of Malgudi Days, Charlie Chaplin), a very positive tale which looks more like an adventure..

Mr.Phalke a.k.a ‘professor kelpha’ comes across as eccentric, sharp, witty, someone who is determined to bring his vision to fruition with his wide-eyed innocence and a huge passion for cinema..you can only feel tender sympathy for the characters who appear sincere in their efforts in dealing with all the difficulties and opportunities present in that era, place and scenario..Mr. n Mrs. Kelpha seemed like a fun couple! i actually came out of the cinema hall feeling that even ordinary and powerless people can do extraordinary things :-)

..the script n dialogues were wow n ably supported by the brilliant cast n performances..the back-ground track n art direction were equally good.

halatya chitrancha vijay aso! :)

fab feb!

this day shall definitely be remembered for more reasons than one! and am thankful! :-)

don't remember dreaming or aspiring much for anything in life except for those little joys since i was a 'little' kid..but today when am a 'slightly bigger' kid, i have this strong urge to dream big & work hard n smart towards making a few of my desires come true..

here's a wonderful quote i came across a few hours ago,

"as a tale, so is life; not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters." - Seneca

giddy-headed goat!

hehe..that's me! ;-)

can't stop grinning from ear to ear since past 1 hr..just 20 posts old but this blog has become a source of unlimited joy for me today! :-)

can't thank enough or for that matter even 'think' enough at the moment, so might as well hit the bed n head for my deep slumber..the unending crazy fun n hooplah starts from tommorrow!

life :: looking forward??

k :: yeah, ABSOLUTELY!! ;-D

kabhi socha na tha..

..that i'll end up being fond of abhay deol (the only other deol i was ever fond of is dharmendra since his bandini, anupama, chupke chupke days)! though i admit i'd loved his n ayesha takia's presence in his debut flick socha na tha, i never ever thought he would go on to carve a niche for himself without flexing his muscles or the famous surname!

will continue this post tommorrow..

'new' is overdue!

1st post of 2010!!! here's wishing a wonderful new year and life to all those who stumble upon this post..

it's been a week full of blessings so far..couldn't have asked for a better birthday at the turn of this decade (yay! am around for 3 decades now and still don't feel like it in my head yet!)..i can't help but feel overwhelmed by the fact that so many of my friends actually remember me still even though i've tried my best to fade into oblivion for last 2 yrs now..some wishes were so touching that i was in tears after reading them! the week and the year ended beautifully with a small get together at a friend's place last night with everyone wishing all n sundry for a great year ahead..i won't deny that i'd a great time myself! there are too many new year messages and wishes in form of e-mails n sms's to respond to..

2009 was indeed one crazy year when i look back..i don't know how i'd feel about it 10 yrs. down the line, though as of now i only wish for some magical power to erase it all n set it all 'right' for me..flashback to 2009 is way too clear n right here in front of my eyes..at the moment, am acutely n painfully aware of all that i experienced from jan' to dec'..except for my non-stop weekend treks from aug' thru oct', am not really proud of a lot many things i thought or actually did last year! it sure was a year of awakening to reality with a sharp jerk..so sharp that am yet to recover fully from the state of shock..lot of things went wrong, didn't work out, things which took me by surprise (pleasant n otherwise), shook me for a long while and consumed me with a sense of wonder, longing, loneliness, wanting a closure..sometimes i still find myself looking for answers, figuring out what, why happened and if i really deserve it all! if someone ever decides to delete year 2009 from my 'record of life', i'd be only too glad..but the year wasn't all that bad either when i really 'think' about it..it taught me a lot too about myself n others, so i suppose 2010 will be the year to implement those learnings..there were things/feelings i experienced for the 1st time ever which took me to a different level as a human..i also realised the extent to or intensity with which i could give n love unconditionally without holding back or expecting much in return..also, there were lot many swell moments i can only look back with fondness and cherish for years to come..AND i have also realised 'all over again' the ever-lasting significance of family and friends in my life! you cannot really LIVE (in a real sense of the word) WITHOUT your support system, without people who care about you and are there for you giving unconditional love n support ALL the time (esp. my MOM!)..am completely incomplete without all those who touched my soul at some point or other in life and helped me 'be' who i am..i remain in gratitude and compassion! it takes a harder blow to help you emerge much stronger n beautiful in life :-)

on my birthday i've vowed to : :

• actually act upon all that i have listed below,
• continue to be my crazy self but with more focus, less impulse, more control, less delays, more gumption, less babble (am sure atleast someone will be happy to read this!), more strength, less insecurities, more smiles n hugs,
• forgive (forgetting takes time!) and make peace with 'myself',
• make the next 30 yrs of my life count in more ways than one,
• be a better n dependable daughter, sister, friend and citizen,
• reach out to as many people as possible esp. all my closest friends who've meant so much to me over last 15-20 years and even those who am yet to meet or know,
• keep myself occupied with something or other whether it's at work or play, so that unwanted clutter or negative thoughts do not have a scope to enter my being,
• get my career back in shape,
• learn as many new things as possible along the way,
• exlpore more places,
• and last but most important - keep up with my dates with the mountains! :-) :-)

if i come up with more later, will sure add them here..i shall strive to keep my word n not let myself down again! till then cheers to all new beginnings along with nurturing the good old stuff within!

~ love n hugs,

k

psssssst...the pic above has nothing much to do with this post directly as such..it shows FOOD n i happen to LOVE food! after going through terrible patches of health issues for last 5-6 months, am finally back to eating (read: satiating my infamous extra healthy appetite!) like before..so now the weight lost via wrong means will be maintained via right means this year!! cheers to a healthy 2010 ahead :-)