posted present :-)

one of the bestest gifts on my birthday this year from one of my bestest friends! :-) :-)

http://jessblah.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/yo-kay/

~ k

inspiring idiots indeed!

finally! the movie i looked forward to for sooo long this year released on 25th this month n i got around seeing it only yesterday with my sis in tow..again, i am not going to review this one..it is just one of those things i simply feel like talking about..and i might as well warn you in advance that i'll come across as very biased, after all this movie has aamir khan (for those who don't know me, i actually find it quite difficult to be objective as far as aamir khan n rahul dravid are concerned..am one of their loyal fans since the time they started out in their respective careers! :-)..and no my bias is not just to do with aamir.. i love movies which are full of wit n also make you ponder a bit ;-)

i read it somewhere that aamir would like everyone to watch this movie (nothing new!)..the reason i would also like everyone to watch this movie is not so that it makes more money for the people concerned, it is because it deserves to be seen by everyone in our country; and not just the youth but more so the elders! the noteworthy message in the film ought to reach everyone pronto..both the writers rajkumar hirani & abhijat joshi have taken efforts to come up with a story full of optimism, affable characters n dialogues which the audiences instantly connect with (like they did in Munnabhai series)..it ‘not-so-seriously’ talks about our ‘not-so-sound’ education system which encourages - rote learning, ranking system and appeasing society’s notions of ‘success’ n ‘promising careers’!

‘aal ij well’ works for me as much as ‘jaadu ki jhappi’ did few years back..3 idiots is a typical hirani style of cinema (reminds me of hrishikesh mukherjee at times) all the way with ample support from ALL its actors esp. aamir (can’t imagine the flick without him he absolutely steals the show as rancho..after tare zameen par, this is an effortless performance once again..i’d watched ghajini only for its unique storyline n aamir factor but i still prefer memento anyday!) and of course sharman joshi n maddy (i love him since his banegi apni baat days) n omi vaidya (he’s just too good as chaturlingam)!

few other things i loved about the movie : :

• i want to watch it again to savour it some more!
• cinematography esp. the aerial scenes shot over manali, shimla n ladakh…WOW is the word! am still dreaming about those places..
• simple, effective lyrics by swanand kirkire (esp. ‘give me some sunshine’) n melodious compositions by shantanu moitra
• all throughout the movie i found myself wishing for a friend like rancho in my growing-up years..well, it’s never too late to follow dreams with or without rancho :-)
• it’s definitely worth being a part of my list of memorable movies released this year along with Dev D and a FEW others!

ooooh am toooo pleased as punch to write much! :-) :-) :-)

coping with copenhagen conference...

ha! so it turned out to be 'nothing' but a blame game of sorts aimed at achieving 'nothing' but yo-yo'ing of onus. no single nation or its leaders displayed an iota of willingness to give up their 'today' for a better 'tommorrow'! short-term political n economical gains held more priority at the conference over reduction of carbon footprints or emissions. it was 'business as usual' - 'business of endangering our future'! sigh!! a cohesive climate policy is not a 'survival' concern AS YET for a majority of nations (including India!) in today's world, except for a few like Maldives, Tuvalu, Soloman Islands, etc. (these will be extinct soon, if the sea-levels keep rising)!

but is it really enough to blame the politicians alone for this debacle at the conference??? i do've my reservations..shouldn't we as citizens have a say in this at all? since the masses are still either 'not aware' or 'do not care' about the threats posed by the climate change OR are still majorly fascinated with the ongoing economic crisis, it is coming in the way of demanding a 'safer' future. it is the increased awareness, change in attitudes and involvement amongst the denizens alone that'll make any notable difference in the months or years to come..

i feel too strongly at times on most of the issues related to environment maybe that's why i was looking forward to this conference with little hope. i really wish to see everyone wanting to save environment..is it not possible for 'us' to 'consume less' be it water, electricity, power, fuel, paper, plastic, etc, etc? protecting our forests, greenery, harvesting rainwater, using solar energy, cleaner surroundings, improved garbage disposal, recycling stuff, etc are also possibilities which need not be restricted to being on paper! govts. can do so much anyways..if people do follow certain lifestyle changes in their daily routine, i believe it would go a long way whether anything concrete comes out of such conferences in future or not..

till then 'hope floats'...

k

scrabble babble

go ahead! call me an ‘addict’!! i am myself staring in disbelief that besides being addicted to the game am actually blogging about it as well (and that am typing in between min. 15 games of “SCRABBLE” on the go on a social-networking site if you even care to know!)..there’s something about it that makes me wanna play it more n more, to keep up with my 90% winning score! ha!

i feel every 'relationship' leaves you with some new long lasting influences/perspectives, good or bad i shall leave for you to decide..my previous 'relationship' left me with much love for 'scrabble' (besides a couple of other things of course which i'll save for my future posts here!)..so coming back to 'scrabble' - it started out as a game for both of us to pass time n apparently to get to 'know each other better' along the way..i was playing against, and learning my lessons from an expert-cum-addict of the game so you can imagine how disheartening or challenging every game played between us used to be for me! it took me a good more than 15 games to actually manage to defeat him (my 'scrabble guru') ONCE! yeah it happened only ONCE till date but oh boy! i cherish that win for all that it is worth, though the feeling of victory was really short-lived (all of 5 mins. if you care to know!) owing to all the sulking, 'oh i can't be losing a game against a beginner n my-student-at-that so soon', 'i always play to win, i can't afford to lose ever' feelings :-)..i'd vowed that night that i'll NEVER EVER play 'scrabble' with him if it leads to such fights between us! but i was persuaded to think otherwise later..sigh..not that we play anymore (i don't know why!), been 5 months already since our last game..i'd almost given up on the game for long, but got hooked onto it again a month ago..with much practice i've only got better at it (well, i still don't score bingos in every game that i play but it's only getting better! ;-)..i find it extremely stimulating n challenging..it's not so much about 'vocabulary' but about the 'strategy'! i have no idea if the love for 'scrabble' comes from my love for the language or my love for my closest-friend, but either way it's here to stay & make my day every single day! :-)

here' some fun stuff i felt like sharing which i happened to read on a scrabble-lovers group forum on the site where i play, enjoy ::

you know you're addicted to scrabble when,

• you're not at all embarrassed after playing words like 'sex' or 'genitalia' if they're high-scoring
• you have dreams about getting super bingos
• you look up all the two- and three-letter words in your spare time
• you have a certain attachment to the words that gave you high scores
• you think about strategies during school/work.
• you try to figure out what the highest-scoring possible bingo could be
• finding a new Z or Q word in a book excites you
• you get a rush when you suddenly spot a place to put both your Q and Z
• you spend your Friday nights playing multiple games of Scrabble online
• you talk to your opponents online more than you talk to your real-life friends
• you try to figure out what your opponent is like based on what words he/she puts down
• you have a certain hatred of Vs, especially at the end of a game
• you get extremely angry when someone takes the spot you were planning to put a super bingo on
• you sometimes play against those perverts trying to get dates because you know they'll let you win if you talk to them
• you talk about scrabble to your real-life friends way too much
• you know most Z, X, J, and Q words

psssssst...i DO NOT fit into all the points listed above, so i suppose i don't qualify to be an 'addict' AS YET! ;-)

babblingly yours,

k

302010

do not try to read too much into this title..you won't get it anyways! :P

when i woke up this morning, i realised i would be all of 30 yrs in the year 2010 n all the digits placed together this way were giving me a major kick..hence the new post today! ha!!

rollercoaster ride!

can’t help wondering aloud, if i’d be allowed to keep the title of this post ‘blank’..i seriously can't think of any appropriate title at the moment & since that's exactly how am feeling too right now – ‘blank' that is, surely you'd believe me!

i did something this noon which i'd wanted to do for a long time now..am i supposed to feel ‘lighter’ cos’ am done with it? so maybe am feeling ‘lighter’ too along with ‘blank’..but frankly speaking, am ‘heavier’ with emotion as well cos' whatever i did today left me feeling totally ‘empty’ inside out!

as far as i can remember, the emotional graph in my life has never been static..it’s always moved to every possible point making my life very ‘interesting’, ‘exciting’ n ‘fulfilling’ to quote a few friends n close friends! only difference this time around being that for past 4 months, it has majorly remained a plummeting curve at any given point of time..i’ve experienced a plethora of emotions esp. over last 6 weeks whether it was impatience, anxiety, ignorance, disappointment, agony, concern, frustration, boredom, madness, caution, disgust, shock, misery, shame, confusion, loneliness, isolation, depression, pressure, self-destruction, distraction, stress, wariness, self-doubt, guilt, fear, sadness, indifference, jumpiness, irritation, panic, tiredness, discomfort, worthlessness, …

YES, i admit i’ve been awfully full of negativity for a long while now and am sure not proud of it cos that’s so ‘unlike’ me! i need to put a full stop to it! and quick!! every passing day am walking this extremely thin line between insanity n some more insanity!!! so tommorrow when i wake up, this is how i wanna feel for all the beautiful days to come ahead of me – good, great, energetic, eager, delighted, cheerful, assured, excited, capable, certain, positive, relaxed, grateful, courageous, secure, stable, happy, interested, confident, inspired, comfortable, sexy, determined, charmed, enthusiastic, proud, empathetic, fascinated, glamorous, hopeful, humorous, loved n loving, playful, at peace, thrilled, sensous!

“once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen!” said Ralph Waldo Emerson..so here i am, looking forward to an absolutely thrilling ride on my very own emotional rollercoaster!!

good marks!

unlike other kids my age, i was never in a hurry to grow up, attend college, work in an office, get married, make kids n more blah...i loved school! n today i have this crazy crazy urge to go back to school again! :( all i wanna do is study, study n more study n get 'good marks'! sounds crazy doesnt it...but i find so much more comfort in that thought...of course, there are other things too i desire for in life..but right now all i wanna do is go back to my life 22 yrs back when i was completely driven by the idea of standing first in class by getting 'good marks'..this was a result of flunking in 2-3 subjects or getting promoted every year since my 1st grade..embarrassing? yes it used to be mighty embarrassing for me when i couldn't understand a word of english back then and all the subjects except hindi were taught in english..and there was nobody at home who could teach me english and my folks couldn't really afford tuitions for us till 10th grade..i dont know whether it was this embarrassment or the teachers who inspired me or the lovely set of friends i'd around me who got me inclined towards reading english fiction..it led to a drastic change cos i majorly latched onto studies that year and stood 2nd in the class in my 4th grade..since then, the only prayer i recited like a parrot to my fav. god, ganesha was "god, please gimme 'good marks' in every exam i write"! Till my 10th grade, this is all i asked from god unabashedly, shamelessly..well yeah, we (god n i) did talk about other things as well but this is what i 'asked' from him to be specific..n he relented without a whimper every paper, every semester, every unit test, every final exam so that i could stand 1st, 2nd or atleast 3rd in class or an entire batch!! 'good marks' meant the world to me for all the appreciation, approval, a sense of belonging and this innate need to fit in with the outside world (read: family, relatives, neighbours, friends, society!) & also maybe cos there was nothing really 'good' happening in our totally dysfunctional family life!

'paa' packs a punch! :)

at last! yesterday, i ended up watching a movie all alone @ a cinema hall for the 1^st time ever (i’ve watched a lot of plays all alone in the past) and the experience turned out to be just fine..maybe cos’ the movie happened to be paa, release of which i was looking forward to for sometime now..i do not happen to be a huge fan of either of the B’s..the reason i was looking forward to it was more to do with the fact that this is a 2^nd project of director R. Balki after Cheeni Kum (which am in totally love with still!). here’s one director who loves to ‘think n offer’ something different to the audiences every time n does a darn good job of it too! so far..

naah, am not going to write a review for the movie although i can’t help gushing about it since the last 24 hours..Bachchan Sr. (minus the trademark baritone n tall brooding persona) has pushed the envelope once again and am full of awe n admiration for him! the movie’s surely not ‘perfect’ but it is much much much better n levels ahead of the terrible crap that’s churned out in the name of cinema in bollywood every weekend! barring the media bashing by Bachchan Jr. & a couple of scenes here n there, the movie worked for me all the way without any hichakis (hiccups)!..

here, the story / script / dialogues take the cake (it’s simple, warm, poignant without actually being over the top most of the time!) and everybody has supported with their competent performances be it Auro (his eyes speak a lot here! witty, charming, sharp, smart n no air of self-pity whatsoever!), Mum (wow! Vidya Balan's such a cool n composed single mom!)), Bum (even more wow! it was definitely a pleasant surprise to have Arundhati Nag play a granny on the big screen!), Vishnu (haha!) or Paa (Bachchan Jr. was quite affectionate himself!) in that order..i sooo wished that the movie was called ‘Maa’ instead, given the beautifully balanced bonding portrayed between Mum n Auro..

apart from the above factors, these are the things i absolutely loved about the movie (not in any particular order though) :: credits narration by Mrs. Bachchan, casting, art direction (lot of attention to detail!), cinematography, costume designing (esp. for Vidya’s styling!) & most importantly lyrics n music of the film (incl. the background score!), …

thank you Mr. Balki n the entire team of paa to come up with something so ‘waah’! take a bow Mr. Bachchan, you've earned a huge fan in me with this film at the age of 67!! :) :)

elated for the elephants!

for once, i’d want to give a ‘jumbo’ hug to our authorities ('Central Zoo Authority' to be precise!) for finally taking the decision (a couple of weeks back) to end the misery of the chained tuskers in all the circuses and zoos in India, and transport them to national parks/sanctuaries. much credit goes to PETA actually for all their groundwork and persistent efforts. all the animals live in absolutely appalling conditions and treated insensitively in captivity! i genuinely hope that enough care will be taken in helping them to adapt to the new surroundings as they’ll be completely on their own in the wild. i also can’t help but worry about the 4-leggeds for the dangers (read: poaching for ivory!) posed by the 2-leggeds!

i am very very fond of these 'gentle giants' since childhood! they are the most cutest, absolutely adorable creatures on this planet as far as am concerned :) :)

hehe...some fun facts about them ::

• their trunks can get very heavy! it ain't uncommon to see elephants resting them over a tusk!
• they cry, play, have incredible memories, and laugh!
• they are sensitive animals where if a baby complains, the entire family will rumble and go over to touch and caress it!
• elephants have greeting ceremonies when a friend that has been away for some time returns to the group!
• they also grieve at a loss of a stillborn baby, a family member, and in many cases other elephants!
• elephants don't drink with their trunks, but use them as "tools" to drink with. This is accomplished by filling the trunk with water and then using it as a hose to pour it into the elephant's mouth!
• interestingly, the Asian elephant is more closely related to the extinct mammoth than to the African elephant!
• as much as 80 percent of what elephants consume is returned to the soil as barely digested highly fertile manure!
• they have a poor hearing, despite having such large ears!
• they spend about 16 hours a day eating!
• elephant is the only mammal that can't jump. It surely have made the Earth shiver if it were able to jump!
• an interesting fact about the tusk, elephants are right and left tusked. the dominant tusk is a little shorter and rounded as against the other tusk!
• they're known to take great care of the bones of their dead family members!
• did you know an adult elephant poops 80 pounds a day???
• it is believed that an elephant can smell water from a distance of three miles!

and now, i can smell my dinner! ;)

k

change can be changa!

i don't know what all contributed to this.

i don't know if this is temporary or permanent..

never in my wildest dreams, did i anticipate it happening...

BUT i am a different person today!

and i am curiously looking forward to this turning point with all the new challenges it poses,

LIFE definitely begins all over again at 30 for me!! ;)

you live, you learn!

have logged in after really long,

only to post the lyrics of a song,
very dear to my heart for more than a decade now...
umpteen no. of times i must've hummed it all along
with my two dear friends Lorraine n Michelle,
as it felt so much more right n made us belong! :)

if i do remember right, we used to sing along almost all tracks of Alanis Morissette back then...we're ardent fans of her persona, her music, her lyrics, ..! i can't even get around explaining the sheer joy i feel when sometimes her tracks pop out of the shuffle list in my desktop or i-pod! aah..we so wish we could attend one of her concerts someday!!here go the lyrics of the song 'You Learn' from the album 'Jagged Little Pill' (one of my all-time-favourite albums!) ::

Ooh, ooh, ooh...
I, recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone, yeah
I, recommend walking around naked in your living room, yeah
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
I, recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone..I certainly do
I, recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time..Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
I, I, oh, oh
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually, anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn!!!

hope those lines above made some sense to whoever bothered to read this post today...
still 'learning' a lot from 'life',
love from k

little clueless n a lot more 'flu'less! :)

been down with FLU n a severe chest congestion for almost a week now! down, breathless n voiceless...acc. to the doc, should take couple of days more for me to recover...whatever! n thanks to ganpati bappa, it's not SWINE FLU!! ;)
alrite, this post is not about me gloating about my sickness...i guess i just wanted to start with an excuse as to why i took 3 long weeks to post anything at all...unlike what i'd promised myself last time about being more regular with the posts here! thats me! lazy me! ;)
i guess am takin’ a little too long to:
a) get used to a certain way of life for past 1 month now (we survived a good 4 weeks already without each other! not bad! we sure deserve a pat for this, P! :),
b) figure out what is it that i really want to do with my life ahead! n nope this is something i still haven't figured out YET! so...
today, i shall share 3 things which gave me endless pleasure in last 3 weeks despite my current ‘wonky’ state of mind…

1. i actually gathered the courage to call up N (one of my closest friends for more than a decade now! wow!) n speak to her after 12 long months!! thank u n love u lovely, a lot! (umm…well, there are still few more people in my list of to-be-called-up-n-apologized-to as yet! :(

2. it was more of an impulsive decision to be a part of 'THE GREAT WALL OF MUMBAI’ project... the moment i read about this event on facebook, i so wanted to be part of it no matter what. Fortunately for me, Mr.Tauntas (another important friend in my life, am very much in awe of!) as expected was also attending it.. i offered to help him out with whatever he would decide to paint on the wall that day...n bingo! i joined him on 15th of Aug'09 early morning at Mahim end…we began painting 3 of our chosen walls with 3 of his different concepts in mind. The air was vibrant! everyone present there was vibrant…oh you bet i felt like a kid there with so many colours, brushes, ideas, creative people n a HUGE n WIDE dream canvas around! it rained as well for that added thrill in the middle of it all! All of us were there to literally paint the town red on the eve of India’s Independence day..i cant even do enough justice to express how i or others might have felt…it’s not like i’ve never been part of voluntary community service or projects before, nevertheless every time you do something for your people, city, country, it only makes you feel more humble, giving you a sense of pride, worth, for being useful in your own way without really asking for any credit! Right from the BMC boys (part of their temp. contract staff – i must say these so called ‘uneducated-lower middleclass’ youth were more raring to go with their support and suggestions while helping us! God bless them! :), BMC employees, the participants of the project (ranging from established professional artists, art students, amateurs, families, non-artists like me, people from different walks of life, the locals, neighbourhood kids, etc) to the BMC authorities, event organizers, media personnel, etc., were extremely enthusiastic and positive about it!
It has to be one of the best independence days i could have ever celebrated! And i can’t really thank enough the organizers n, BMC (for this wonderful joint initiative) and rest of the participants (for their support, coordination, understanding)! All the paintings over 2 days on the wall were so awe-inspiring! Everyone had expressed themselves and how! There was so much to read between the lines!

Jai rightly put it for us “we've all worked hard in the sun to make our city shine!” I feel so happy to read this line, again n again even 2 weeks down the line! and right now I only wish there are more such initiatives in Bombay as well as other places to clean up and give it a face-lift it truly deserves! :)

3. my 5th trek of the year was ‘successfully’ completed on 22nd of this month! yeah am actually keeping a count as i’ve decided to be a little more regular with this favourite pursuit of mine henceforth for assorted reasons! :)

Chanderi (approx. 2300 ft. above sea level, Raigad district) famous for its massive pinnacle (apparently it is 300 feet higher than the cave), is one of the most beautiful, fascinating places to trek in Sahyadris! it happens to be a long trail with a great combination of waterfalls (in monsoon of course) and a dense forest.
18 of us started climbing the hill at about 9.00 am. The route opposite the school in Chincholi (the base village) took us through a bushy slope towards a plateau. In about an hour or so, this well-defined route then further goes in the direction of the col. between Chanderi (on left) & Mhaismal (on right), only after passing a waterfall area or a ‘nalla’. We’d to keep following this ‘nalla’ till the top of the col. Here, it was a rocky landscape n quite slippery too in parts. There are white arrows painted on the rocks at the juncture of ‘nalla’ n path towards the col., if you look carefully (very handy while coming back as there are chances of getting lost in the forest!). Chanderi is quite narrow and long but the col. itself happened to be quite airy & cool. From there, we could get an ample view on both sides of the nearby peaks like Mhaismal, Prabalgad, Matheran, Irshalgad, etc. and continued our ascent after taking left towards the base of the Chanderi pinnacle. This route is over an exposed n reasonably steep ridge. Though i’ve a major phobia of heights since childhood, i still love the climbing part of any trek where - every step of mine takes me towards the top of the mountain and the sky! with every step, i fight my demons! :)

there was a huge cloud cover on both the sides and it was quite windy that day (though not as strong it usually is on top). We’d to traverse along the right side of the base of the pinnacle wall & reach the cave (this entire uphill climb took us about 4 hours). On the way to the cave, there is a water tank on the left side which holds potable water. The cave houses a 'shiva-ling' and is spacious enough to accommodate about 20 or more people for an overnight stay. The pinnacle is huge and only the experts can dare to climb it! Within 5-10 minutes after i made it to the top, the clouds cleared and offered such a fantastic view from the top that i completely forgot i was to hurry up with the lunch and start with the descent soon after - lest it gets dark by the time we reach the base! We started climbing down immediately afterwards and made it to the base in couple of hours. Overall an amazing experience for me though few members of our group found it tough n missed out on reaching the top!!!
and now I am all happy happy and set for another trek this weekend to my all-time favourite destination ‘Matheran’! yippeee!


cheers for many more treks ahead! :)
k

A WEAK WEEK!

09th Aug’09...10:45 pm

seems like yesterday
when i’d tears in my eyes
while i’d murmured those bye-byes
but today i only wish to say bye bye to those 7 days
of tears, agony, frustration n a sense o’ helplessness,
of being apart, for so long after so long,
of umpteen questions n doubts lingering in my head,
of impatience n insecurities,
of lying low n self-loathing,
of self-imposed house arrest,
of loss of appetite,
of nostalgia,
of mood-swings (it was even more worse due to me PMSing!),
of coming to terms, with missing someone more than i ever thought i would,
of waiting, for the wait to get over!
i’d also like to remind myself that my blogposts will more often talk of hope, positive vibes cos’ i don’t like it much when people (including ‘yours truly’ sometimes) crib, complain, do not appreciate who n what they are blessed with in life n give away negative vibes all the time. period.
coming to the naming of my blog link...a ‘katta’ in local parlance, as far as i know stands for ‘a tiny wall, a kind of a periphery’ but in marathi slang it would mean ‘a place where people meet impromptu, sit, talk, share, idle away their time n grow up’. it continues to exist in almost every corner of Bombay (n one more thing about me, i don’t think i’ll ever come around to calling our city Mumbai!). each neighborhood, college, school or even a lone building has its very own katta where rich, poor, high class, low class, cease to matter n all come together. local in nature, it has a life of its own, a mood of it own, always occupied, always alive..
‘kalyani cha katta’ is where i’d wanna re-live my spirit, my memoirs, my days n things that catch my fancy...
ironic that the very reason i even thought of blogging is on the insistence of my beloved P. “do u blog?” is one of the first few words which he’d uttered to me exactly a year back on 16th Aug’08! so today i’d also remind myself to keep my promise to him i.e., to blog more often, atleast one post a week, if not more. not that i lead a very hi-profile, scandalous life to be covered in details here. oh well, but am sure there are things ‘interesting’ enough happening either in my life or in the world around me to be jotted down. SO READ ON!! ;)

~ love,

k

countdown to 2011!

This is definitely not the first time i have said bye-bye to a loved one. It has happened way too many times since childhood that by now i ought to be pretty much used to it or IMMUNE to it. Alas! Everytime someone (i consider myself real close to) goes away somewhere far away from me for a long time or forever, something happens to me, something that I cant really put into words. My world literally falls apart EVERYTIME!! I become 'lifeless'…that feeling of emptiness envelops my entire being n stays on n on n on leaving me numb…
The very first time i felt this way was when i’d to leave my grandpa’s home n come n stay with my parents. Post my sister’s birth, my aai quit working. At all of 5 yrs, i sure was majorly pissed off then!!
Our family shifted couple of times within the huge BARC complex and every time, i had to part ways with all my then bestest friends/neighbours. Then we shifted out of the township for 5 long yrs. On being allotted a bigger accommodation back in BARC, it was time to say goodbyes to my new found best friends n neighbours n cousins all over again!! I cried buckets back then in my 7th grade.
I recollect being very very close to my youngest maternal aunt. Initial yrs of my childhood were spent at my maternal grandparent’s home. When she had decided to get married, it was the toughest for 'me', more than anyone else. There she was wanting to start a new life with some ‘stranger’ and all i (must have been 13 or 14) could think was that she was 'betraying me' n 'leaving me' alone in this mad mad world to be with some ‘stranger’. I despised my uncle for taking her away from me and more than him, i despised her for agreeing to it (i suppose my anti-attending-marriage-functions-feelings come from this phase in my life! ;)
Well i moved on with my life like i always do…we all do, don’t we! Got busy with books, teenage life, academics, friends, satellite TV, Mills n Boons, crushes, blah blah. There was so much more this world had to offer. I kept growing up n growing apart too from a lot of people.
Life got truly shattered when I was in 9th grade. My grandpa passed away due to sickness in his old age. I loved my grandparents the most since i was born. I cant even get around to explain what i went through at that time. The sense of loss was too deep. I think after my mom (n my sister to a certain extent now), nobody has ever loved me as unconditionally like my grandparents did…I STILL MISS THEM…and 3 yrs later, my grandmom followed suit.
Lot of close friends parted ways after 10th, 12th, Graduation. Some took up further studies, shifted homes, jobs, careers, chose to get married, n switched cities, countries. Some close friends even had to take different trains, buses (uh oh..i happen to make friends even while i travel!). Everyone had their own paths to chart in life..including me. Everytime a course got over, a job had to be switched, a regular train had to be changed to a diff. time or route, I was in TEARS. The very idea of not meeting the person ever again filled me with a sense of GLOOM! It still does. I get attached in no time - with people, with places, with surroundings, with things. And when the parting happens, it’s all about the process of detachment - sometimes willingly n sometimes not-so-unwillingly. Such is life, ’it goes on’…
Not sure if I can even call it a relationship now in retrospect, but my pining for my first love lasted for 8 long years. It all started as a friendship, mutual attraction, blah blah n then went on to drag cos’ of my one-sided ever increasing involvement. And finally when he had to move to another city cos’ of his job, it left me with nothing but a tinge of sadness. And i did take some time to get over it but the ‘relationship’ was dead long back i suppose!
People kept coming in n going out of my life while i was ‘growing up’ in age n also in my sense of balance, patience n tolerance, busy slogging out at work most of the time, socializing n exploring places on the side. I managed to keep in touch with most of my loved ones over the time..managed to ‘fall in love’ once again..tried my best to reciprocate someone’s wrongly intended ‘affections’ as well. Am glad i moved on from those 2 relationships though. God ensures you get what you truly deserve in this lifetime. And i continue with my faith intact in him.
Last one year has been eventful in that sense. We shifted home after 18 long years from Anushaktinagar (BARC Township) to Vashi (New Bombay), post my pappa's retirement from the govt. service. All 4 of us go about our mundane routine. We've 'adjusted' well so to say. Been 6 months already but am yet to come to terms with the shift..
In the year gone by, quite a few close friends I lost touch with because of my own stupid, silly insecurities. And quite a lot of people walked into my life either online, when i was travelling, or through common friends.
One such close friend i met exactly a year back, left for his further studies to USA last Sunday (on ‘friendship day’! though i don’t really believe in such a ‘day’…what timing i say!). It has been more than 48 hours since i saw him at the airport turning his back towards all of us without looking into any of our eyes directly. Don’t think i can ever forget that moment, when it finally hit me that he is going ‘away’ from me…somewhere far far away i’ve only heard of, read about n seen in pics or movies…where lot of my other friends, acquaintances also reside, study, work…the so-called land of opportunities! I’d been part of the whole process in a way for last so many months. I was equally driven (if not more) in pursuit of his goal - wishing all good for him all along, being a part of his support system throughout all his preparations for the long visit n stay, giving him that bit of strength when he felt weak or low at times. And today when he has actually landed there, i can’t help but feel drained n that emptiness within (am of course proud of his achievements n very happy for him)…not that i cant live without him. I know i can n i will..i know i should n i would. Anybody who knows me well enough knows that i’ve a very positive n optimistic disposition towards life n its happenings. So this too shall pass…n how soon only time will tell. But right now, am feeling miserable with no appetite for anything. Everything feels incomplete without him…everything…am feeling completely lost n restless! It never ceases to amaze me every time, how a complete stranger comes to mean so much to you in such little time…n manages to leave a void behind! Too many shared moments, too many shared delightful memories over past 12 months…we grew up closer, richer, happier n wiser together through this crucial phase in our respective lives. I can only thank him n god for blessing me with so much love in life. I have absolutely no idea if n when, we would get to see each other again in life. And even when we do, what would it be like! Two years is a long time when you have to wait for someone to come back. We might continue to be there for each other through thick n thin, or we might grow apart. I hope to get busy again with my work, family n coming to terms with a life without my beloved pal next to me…n i pray n hold on to my faith in god that we get back together someday soon with the same warmth n joy we’ve shared always…missing you a lot, my sweetheart! here’s hoping we remain as crazy as ever about each other!
Cheers to our wonderful relationship n cheers to our new separate exciting lives ahead! we gonna make each other mighty proud am sure..see you soon back here!
You bet am already counting down to 2011! ;)
love,
k

“Love is a river, flowing where we know not. The wound is deep, yet the river is wide” - The Wonder Years

i can...

can i write??
just a lame try
to see if i can..
can i fight??
with the world outside
n the world within..
the turmoil am goin' through
nobody else can sight
nor do i want anyone to pity my plight!
who should decide what is right
for me or for others
n it would only be my might
to undo my scene that has become too tight...
am told there would be light
at the end of this long tunnel
guess it should fill me with delight
push me further to soar like a kite
n scale new heights!
oh, that's exactly what am hoping to do at this very moment tonight! :)

love,
k