Aug 5, 2009

countdown to 2011!

This is definitely not the first time i have said bye-bye to a loved one. It has happened way too many times since childhood that by now i ought to be pretty much used to it or IMMUNE to it. Alas! Everytime someone (i consider myself real close to) goes away somewhere far away from me for a long time or forever, something happens to me, something that I cant really put into words. My world literally falls apart EVERYTIME!! I become 'lifeless'…that feeling of emptiness envelops my entire being n stays on n on n on leaving me numb…
The very first time i felt this way was when i’d to leave my grandpa’s home n come n stay with my parents. Post my sister’s birth, my aai quit working. At all of 5 yrs, i sure was majorly pissed off then!!
Our family shifted couple of times within the huge BARC complex and every time, i had to part ways with all my then bestest friends/neighbours. Then we shifted out of the township for 5 long yrs. On being allotted a bigger accommodation back in BARC, it was time to say goodbyes to my new found best friends n neighbours n cousins all over again!! I cried buckets back then in my 7th grade.
I recollect being very very close to my youngest maternal aunt. Initial yrs of my childhood were spent at my maternal grandparent’s home. When she had decided to get married, it was the toughest for 'me', more than anyone else. There she was wanting to start a new life with some ‘stranger’ and all i (must have been 13 or 14) could think was that she was 'betraying me' n 'leaving me' alone in this mad mad world to be with some ‘stranger’. I despised my uncle for taking her away from me and more than him, i despised her for agreeing to it (i suppose my anti-attending-marriage-functions-feelings come from this phase in my life! ;)
Well i moved on with my life like i always do…we all do, don’t we! Got busy with books, teenage life, academics, friends, satellite TV, Mills n Boons, crushes, blah blah. There was so much more this world had to offer. I kept growing up n growing apart too from a lot of people.
Life got truly shattered when I was in 9th grade. My grandpa passed away due to sickness in his old age. I loved my grandparents the most since i was born. I cant even get around to explain what i went through at that time. The sense of loss was too deep. I think after my mom (n my sister to a certain extent now), nobody has ever loved me as unconditionally like my grandparents did…I STILL MISS THEM…and 3 yrs later, my grandmom followed suit.
Lot of close friends parted ways after 10th, 12th, Graduation. Some took up further studies, shifted homes, jobs, careers, chose to get married, n switched cities, countries. Some close friends even had to take different trains, buses (uh oh..i happen to make friends even while i travel!). Everyone had their own paths to chart in life..including me. Everytime a course got over, a job had to be switched, a regular train had to be changed to a diff. time or route, I was in TEARS. The very idea of not meeting the person ever again filled me with a sense of GLOOM! It still does. I get attached in no time - with people, with places, with surroundings, with things. And when the parting happens, it’s all about the process of detachment - sometimes willingly n sometimes not-so-unwillingly. Such is life, ’it goes on’…
Not sure if I can even call it a relationship now in retrospect, but my pining for my first love lasted for 8 long years. It all started as a friendship, mutual attraction, blah blah n then went on to drag cos’ of my one-sided ever increasing involvement. And finally when he had to move to another city cos’ of his job, it left me with nothing but a tinge of sadness. And i did take some time to get over it but the ‘relationship’ was dead long back i suppose!
People kept coming in n going out of my life while i was ‘growing up’ in age n also in my sense of balance, patience n tolerance, busy slogging out at work most of the time, socializing n exploring places on the side. I managed to keep in touch with most of my loved ones over the time..managed to ‘fall in love’ once again..tried my best to reciprocate someone’s wrongly intended ‘affections’ as well. Am glad i moved on from those 2 relationships though. God ensures you get what you truly deserve in this lifetime. And i continue with my faith intact in him.
Last one year has been eventful in that sense. We shifted home after 18 long years from Anushaktinagar (BARC Township) to Vashi (New Bombay), post my pappa's retirement from the govt. service. All 4 of us go about our mundane routine. We've 'adjusted' well so to say. Been 6 months already but am yet to come to terms with the shift..
In the year gone by, quite a few close friends I lost touch with because of my own stupid, silly insecurities. And quite a lot of people walked into my life either online, when i was travelling, or through common friends.
One such close friend i met exactly a year back, left for his further studies to USA last Sunday (on ‘friendship day’! though i don’t really believe in such a ‘day’…what timing i say!). It has been more than 48 hours since i saw him at the airport turning his back towards all of us without looking into any of our eyes directly. Don’t think i can ever forget that moment, when it finally hit me that he is going ‘away’ from me…somewhere far far away i’ve only heard of, read about n seen in pics or movies…where lot of my other friends, acquaintances also reside, study, work…the so-called land of opportunities! I’d been part of the whole process in a way for last so many months. I was equally driven (if not more) in pursuit of his goal - wishing all good for him all along, being a part of his support system throughout all his preparations for the long visit n stay, giving him that bit of strength when he felt weak or low at times. And today when he has actually landed there, i can’t help but feel drained n that emptiness within (am of course proud of his achievements n very happy for him)…not that i cant live without him. I know i can n i will..i know i should n i would. Anybody who knows me well enough knows that i’ve a very positive n optimistic disposition towards life n its happenings. So this too shall pass…n how soon only time will tell. But right now, am feeling miserable with no appetite for anything. Everything feels incomplete without him…everything…am feeling completely lost n restless! It never ceases to amaze me every time, how a complete stranger comes to mean so much to you in such little time…n manages to leave a void behind! Too many shared moments, too many shared delightful memories over past 12 months…we grew up closer, richer, happier n wiser together through this crucial phase in our respective lives. I can only thank him n god for blessing me with so much love in life. I have absolutely no idea if n when, we would get to see each other again in life. And even when we do, what would it be like! Two years is a long time when you have to wait for someone to come back. We might continue to be there for each other through thick n thin, or we might grow apart. I hope to get busy again with my work, family n coming to terms with a life without my beloved pal next to me…n i pray n hold on to my faith in god that we get back together someday soon with the same warmth n joy we’ve shared always…missing you a lot, my sweetheart! here’s hoping we remain as crazy as ever about each other!
Cheers to our wonderful relationship n cheers to our new separate exciting lives ahead! we gonna make each other mighty proud am sure..see you soon back here!
You bet am already counting down to 2011! ;)

“Love is a river, flowing where we know not. The wound is deep, yet the river is wide” - The Wonder Years


Jason said...

Wonderful! Hopefully Cathartic...

gleefully quick-gun-murugunnish - "...last Sunday (on ‘friendship day’! though i don’t really believe in such a ‘day’…what timing i say!)" - what a nice way... to put it i say :P

This is how I wanted to see u write, ever since you started the blog... pity it took a teary goodbye to get u off your hiny!

Beautifully done! And here's prayin' that u bounce back sooner than usual :) And God really saves something special for a wonderful, kind, beautiful, crazy, large hearted gal such as U!


quaintkal said...

i thnk u as well for everything jason! :)

Deepali said...

beautiful... *hugs* & mwahh !! :)

quaintkal said...

*hugs* to u too my baby! :)