rollercoaster ride!

can’t help wondering aloud, if i’d be allowed to keep the title of this post ‘blank’..i seriously can't think of any appropriate title at the moment & since that's exactly how am feeling too right now – ‘blank' that is, surely you'd believe me!

i did something this noon which i'd wanted to do for a long time now..am i supposed to feel ‘lighter’ cos’ am done with it? so maybe am feeling ‘lighter’ too along with ‘blank’..but frankly speaking, am ‘heavier’ with emotion as well cos' whatever i did today left me feeling totally ‘empty’ inside out!

as far as i can remember, the emotional graph in my life has never been static..it’s always moved to every possible point making my life very ‘interesting’, ‘exciting’ n ‘fulfilling’ to quote a few friends n close friends! only difference this time around being that for past 4 months, it has majorly remained a plummeting curve at any given point of time..i’ve experienced a plethora of emotions esp. over last 6 weeks whether it was impatience, anxiety, ignorance, disappointment, agony, concern, frustration, boredom, madness, caution, disgust, shock, misery, shame, confusion, loneliness, isolation, depression, pressure, self-destruction, distraction, stress, wariness, self-doubt, guilt, fear, sadness, indifference, jumpiness, irritation, panic, tiredness, discomfort, worthlessness, …

YES, i admit i’ve been awfully full of negativity for a long while now and am sure not proud of it cos that’s so ‘unlike’ me! i need to put a full stop to it! and quick!! every passing day am walking this extremely thin line between insanity n some more insanity!!! so tommorrow when i wake up, this is how i wanna feel for all the beautiful days to come ahead of me – good, great, energetic, eager, delighted, cheerful, assured, excited, capable, certain, positive, relaxed, grateful, courageous, secure, stable, happy, interested, confident, inspired, comfortable, sexy, determined, charmed, enthusiastic, proud, empathetic, fascinated, glamorous, hopeful, humorous, loved n loving, playful, at peace, thrilled, sensous!

“once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen!” said Ralph Waldo Emerson..so here i am, looking forward to an absolutely thrilling ride on my very own emotional rollercoaster!!

good marks!

unlike other kids my age, i was never in a hurry to grow up, attend college, work in an office, get married, make kids n more blah...i loved school! n today i have this crazy crazy urge to go back to school again! :( all i wanna do is study, study n more study n get 'good marks'! sounds crazy doesnt it...but i find so much more comfort in that thought...of course, there are other things too i desire for in life..but right now all i wanna do is go back to my life 22 yrs back when i was completely driven by the idea of standing first in class by getting 'good marks'..this was a result of flunking in 2-3 subjects or getting promoted every year since my 1st grade..embarrassing? yes it used to be mighty embarrassing for me when i couldn't understand a word of english back then and all the subjects except hindi were taught in english..and there was nobody at home who could teach me english and my folks couldn't really afford tuitions for us till 10th grade..i dont know whether it was this embarrassment or the teachers who inspired me or the lovely set of friends i'd around me who got me inclined towards reading english fiction..it led to a drastic change cos i majorly latched onto studies that year and stood 2nd in the class in my 4th grade..since then, the only prayer i recited like a parrot to my fav. god, ganesha was "god, please gimme 'good marks' in every exam i write"! Till my 10th grade, this is all i asked from god unabashedly, shamelessly..well yeah, we (god n i) did talk about other things as well but this is what i 'asked' from him to be specific..n he relented without a whimper every paper, every semester, every unit test, every final exam so that i could stand 1st, 2nd or atleast 3rd in class or an entire batch!! 'good marks' meant the world to me for all the appreciation, approval, a sense of belonging and this innate need to fit in with the outside world (read: family, relatives, neighbours, friends, society!) & also maybe cos there was nothing really 'good' happening in our totally dysfunctional family life!

'paa' packs a punch! :)

at last! yesterday, i ended up watching a movie all alone @ a cinema hall for the 1^st time ever (i’ve watched a lot of plays all alone in the past) and the experience turned out to be just fine..maybe cos’ the movie happened to be paa, release of which i was looking forward to for sometime now..i do not happen to be a huge fan of either of the B’s..the reason i was looking forward to it was more to do with the fact that this is a 2^nd project of director R. Balki after Cheeni Kum (which am in totally love with still!). here’s one director who loves to ‘think n offer’ something different to the audiences every time n does a darn good job of it too! so far..

naah, am not going to write a review for the movie although i can’t help gushing about it since the last 24 hours..Bachchan Sr. (minus the trademark baritone n tall brooding persona) has pushed the envelope once again and am full of awe n admiration for him! the movie’s surely not ‘perfect’ but it is much much much better n levels ahead of the terrible crap that’s churned out in the name of cinema in bollywood every weekend! barring the media bashing by Bachchan Jr. & a couple of scenes here n there, the movie worked for me all the way without any hichakis (hiccups)!..

here, the story / script / dialogues take the cake (it’s simple, warm, poignant without actually being over the top most of the time!) and everybody has supported with their competent performances be it Auro (his eyes speak a lot here! witty, charming, sharp, smart n no air of self-pity whatsoever!), Mum (wow! Vidya Balan's such a cool n composed single mom!)), Bum (even more wow! it was definitely a pleasant surprise to have Arundhati Nag play a granny on the big screen!), Vishnu (haha!) or Paa (Bachchan Jr. was quite affectionate himself!) in that order..i sooo wished that the movie was called ‘Maa’ instead, given the beautifully balanced bonding portrayed between Mum n Auro..

apart from the above factors, these are the things i absolutely loved about the movie (not in any particular order though) :: credits narration by Mrs. Bachchan, casting, art direction (lot of attention to detail!), cinematography, costume designing (esp. for Vidya’s styling!) & most importantly lyrics n music of the film (incl. the background score!), …

thank you Mr. Balki n the entire team of paa to come up with something so ‘waah’! take a bow Mr. Bachchan, you've earned a huge fan in me with this film at the age of 67!! :) :)

elated for the elephants!

for once, i’d want to give a ‘jumbo’ hug to our authorities ('Central Zoo Authority' to be precise!) for finally taking the decision (a couple of weeks back) to end the misery of the chained tuskers in all the circuses and zoos in India, and transport them to national parks/sanctuaries. much credit goes to PETA actually for all their groundwork and persistent efforts. all the animals live in absolutely appalling conditions and treated insensitively in captivity! i genuinely hope that enough care will be taken in helping them to adapt to the new surroundings as they’ll be completely on their own in the wild. i also can’t help but worry about the 4-leggeds for the dangers (read: poaching for ivory!) posed by the 2-leggeds!

i am very very fond of these 'gentle giants' since childhood! they are the most cutest, absolutely adorable creatures on this planet as far as am concerned :) :)

hehe...some fun facts about them ::

• their trunks can get very heavy! it ain't uncommon to see elephants resting them over a tusk!
• they cry, play, have incredible memories, and laugh!
• they are sensitive animals where if a baby complains, the entire family will rumble and go over to touch and caress it!
• elephants have greeting ceremonies when a friend that has been away for some time returns to the group!
• they also grieve at a loss of a stillborn baby, a family member, and in many cases other elephants!
• elephants don't drink with their trunks, but use them as "tools" to drink with. This is accomplished by filling the trunk with water and then using it as a hose to pour it into the elephant's mouth!
• interestingly, the Asian elephant is more closely related to the extinct mammoth than to the African elephant!
• as much as 80 percent of what elephants consume is returned to the soil as barely digested highly fertile manure!
• they have a poor hearing, despite having such large ears!
• they spend about 16 hours a day eating!
• elephant is the only mammal that can't jump. It surely have made the Earth shiver if it were able to jump!
• an interesting fact about the tusk, elephants are right and left tusked. the dominant tusk is a little shorter and rounded as against the other tusk!
• they're known to take great care of the bones of their dead family members!
• did you know an adult elephant poops 80 pounds a day???
• it is believed that an elephant can smell water from a distance of three miles!

and now, i can smell my dinner! ;)

k

change can be changa!

i don't know what all contributed to this.

i don't know if this is temporary or permanent..

never in my wildest dreams, did i anticipate it happening...

BUT i am a different person today!

and i am curiously looking forward to this turning point with all the new challenges it poses,

LIFE definitely begins all over again at 30 for me!! ;)